1. The baller. Not only are we told that she’s “ambitious, restless, [and] intellectually acute,” but, as Politico noted, she “even shares the president’s love of a good, grinding pick-up basketball game.” Say what? She enjoys a “grinding pick-up basketball game”? Well now, that settles it then. Bust out the basketball trunks, throw on a jersey, and move yourself straight to the front of the line for a lifetime position on the most powerful court in the world! What could go wrong? As an aside, can you even imagine Kagan “grinding” on the court?
2. She’s one of us. From the mouth of Barack, a Kagan confirmation would be “more reflective of us as a people than ever before.” And if by “reflective,” the president means that most Americans go from Princeton to Oxford to Harvard to the University of Chicago… then back to Harvard, well yes, Kagan’s mug should replace Lincoln’s on the $5 bill because she’s so “reflective” of America.
3. Feminine products. At Harvard, Kagan gained popularity by offering “free coffee outside classrooms and free tampons in the women’s restrooms.” Surely, these were exactly the type of qualities Thomas Jefferson sought when picking a justice.
4. The tokens. Kagan herself tells us that she strove to “bring people together,” specifically by hiring conservative professors. Obama touts this as “openness to a broad array of viewpoints.” Um, so let’s get this one straight. As the dean of one of the nation’s most prominent law schools, she took steps to introduce her students to different opinions and thus fulfill the mission of a university? The left is asking us to pat her on the back for doing her job? Okay, fine. Let’s buy her a meat-lovers pizza and call it even. Besides, out of the 43 hires she authorized, only 3 were conservative. Big deal.
5. Born in the U.S.A. “Elena is the granddaughter of immigrants,” Obama boasted of his pick, which is to say that Kagan’s parents’ parents immigrated to this country. And that makes her special again how?
6. Triple Axel. Kagan, we’re told, improved “student life” at Harvard with a “revamped student center, an upgraded gym and an ice-skating rink” that also “doubled as a volleyball court.” Did I miss the memo, or is the Supreme Court now the new training grounds for the 2012 Olympics?
7. Justice Pavarotti. Pete Williams of NBC News recently affirmed Kagan as an “accomplished poker player [and] opera lover,” which, as we know, are grounds for a swift confirmation, no?
8. Toilet preference. Obama describes Kagan as a "trailblazing leader" for being the first female solicitor general and the first female dean of Harvard’s law school, as if we're supposed to judge her fidelity to the Constitution because she happens to use the ladies room.
9. Good news: Kagan ain’t deaf. Television legal analyst Lis Wiehl gushed that the Supreme Court nominee ran Harvard Law with “grace” and is an “avid listener.”
10. Kagan actually “welcomed the military to campus.” So says White House shill Valerie Jarrett, even though Kagan authored a memo bragging that she “reinstated” the school's ban on the military in the Spring of 2005, but reluctantly lifted the ban in the Fall of that same year, after the Department of Defense threatened to “withhold all possible funds if the Law School continued to bar the military” from Harvard.